What do you mean there's no safety net? (Issue #73)
What do you mean there's no safety net? (Issue #73)
End-of-life care, multigenerational homes, and the ways we support each other when systems *don't*.
Hi friends!
A few weeks ago, I met my friend’s cousin for the first time. He was working as a social worker in a hospital, coordinating end-of-life care for elderly patients and their families. As someone with an aversion to small talk, I dove right into asking about his work. He mentioned something that stuck with me: many of these patients, only in the later years of their lives, realize they don’t have many options if they can’t live alone or need extra care. Without a strong family network willing to step in, the remaining resources are either prohibitively expensive or few and far between.
The conversation reminded me of Robin Gonzales and her sister Roiann. I met Robin a few years ago through admittedly pretty devastating circumstances – we were both defrauded by the same financial advisor. For Robin, that meant her entire retirement and life savings (and that of her husband and sister, Roiann) were stolen by someone she once trusted.
To make matters worse, Roiann was diagnosed with early-onset dementia several years before the Gonzales family was defrauded. Roiann, who once loved health and fitness and was active in the church, was soon faced with a progressive condition that meant she needed more intensive day-to-day care at a live-in facility. And that care? It cost her family $7,000/month.
And so, when Robin decided to hire the same financial advisor as me (a well-respected and credentialed fiduciary, mind you) to help her family invest, it was a decision she weighed carefully. But still, like so many things in life, you can do everything in your power to protect yourself, and bad things can still happen. You can hear Robin and Roiann’s story in full detail in this special announcement episode of Truer Crime I made a few years ago, but what you need to know now is that in December of 2020, an FBI agent showed up at the Gonzalezes' door with the kind of awful news you never expect to hear. Their money was gone. All of it. All $446,000 of it.
And while the U.S. criminal legal system is built to punish — it can and did put our financial advisor in jail — it often fails to heal the damage left behind. And in this case, that means that Roiann, who, of course, still had dementia, and the Gonzaleses, who were past retirement age, were left without the long-term care and ability to retire they had worked their whole lives for. I helped create a GoFundMe for them a few years ago, but that amount of money is almost impossible to ever fully recover.
I share this because it got me thinking about just how expensive retirement and end-of-life care can be—and how many of us only realize it when someone we love needs it. Roiann, in a way, was one of the fortunate ones because she had family willing to step up. But not everyone has that, and as my friend’s cousin reminded me, there aren’t comprehensive public systems to support those who don’t.
My mom and I always joke about her moving in with me when she’s older. When we first moved into our new house, she immediately started calling it “her house,” already plotting out where she’d store her things. Beneath the jokes, though, there’s a serious promise: if the time comes when she needs a place to stay, she knows she’s welcome with me.
And I’m not alone in this. As Apartment Therapy reported a few months ago, multigenerational homes are actually on the rise. According to the most recent numbers from the Pew Research Center, 59.7 million people in the United States (nearly 1 in 5) live in these arrangements. And while families do this for different reasons, the rising cost of living and a desire to avoid loneliness are two major drivers. Living together means shared resources, strengthened relationships, and more help raising kids.
But let’s be real—it’s not all smooth sailing. Having multiple generations under one roof can strain privacy and independence. Relationships shift, and not everyone adjusts well to those changes. Still, I wonder if that’s always a bad thing. Obviously, for some, living with family just isn’t a healthy or safe option. But I’m excited to see the conversation around multigenerational living evolving, even if slightly. In such a hyper-individualist culture, it’s easy to forget how much we do need each other. And without strong social systems to guarantee care, sometimes our communities are all we have to fall back on.
Of course, not every parent wants to help with child-rearing during retirement. In fact, many millennials report feeling frustrated with their Boomer parents, who would rather focus on themselves in their golden years. For these retirees, raising kids feels like an obligation they’ve already fulfilled, and they want to use this next stage of life to travel and invest in themselves.
Like most things, there’s no clear answer, just a lot of questions. What if we had social services that alleviated the pressures families feel to provide care no matter the expense? What if our lives had more balance all along, so retirement didn’t feel like the only time we could finally focus on ourselves? What if we moved away from extreme individualism and embraced collective responsibility, building stronger support networks?
Lots to consider, so let me know your thoughts in the comments below! Would you consider a multi-generational living arrangement? Do you have retirement plans, and if so, how would you like to spend those years? Looking forward to continuing the discussion! 💖
A round-up of things to watch, read, and listen to as you head into the weekend.
TV Show: The Wonder Years (2021 reboot)
I really liked the original Wonder Years when I was a kid, and this reboot really hits the mark! It brought back a similar premise, but this time with a Black family navigating the realities of 1960s Alabama. The show was canceled after two seasons, but both are available on Hulu and Netflix and are well worth checking out!
Podcast: Hysterical
This new series follows an outbreak of a mysterious illness that spread among a group of high school girls in upstate New York. Some believe this to be the most severe case of mass hysteria since the Salem Witch Trials, but could something else be going on?
Podcast: Ice Cold Case
In 2002, Madison McGhee’s father was murdered at his Ohio home. The case has been unsolved for more than 20 years, and Madison started this podcast as a way to find answers to what happened and demand justice in his case. The show is really well done, and I highly recommend you not only listen, but direct support to Madison and her work more broadly!!
Action items to support and care for the world around us.
I wanted to further the conversation on housing by highlighting an organization that’s doing incredible work to ensure more folks have a safe place to live. I’ve been really fortunate to partner with the Twin Cities branch of Habitat for Humanity for photography related to their new 2024 Carter Work Project in Saint Paul (which you can read more about here). I’ve really fallen in love with their mission“ to ensure that everyone has a decent place to live,” and I especially commend their REAL commitment to Black home ownership. They’re really walking the walk when it comes to equity, which can't be said for all nonprofits (especially ones that aren’t specifically targeting BIPOC folks). You can learn more, donate, and volunteer with the Twin Cities Habitat branch here and the national branch here.
Things to try + share in the group chat.
I’m not only a new homeowner but a new ~garage~ owner! Because Andrew and I have had a few close calls with forgetting to close the door when leaving I’ve set my sights on *this $27 wireless garage system. It attaches directly to your existing opener, and connects to an app that allows you to remotely control the door, set up auto-close sequences, or even send you notifications if your garage is left open for a predetermined length of time.
As an owner of three cats, brushing is the only weapon I have against a house overrun by cat hair! I recently tried *this cat brush, and even my cat, who hates getting brushed, loves it.
I recently fell down a rabbit hole of people laid off from their tech jobs, and stumbled upon Michelle + Aline, my new favorite sister vloggers living in NYC! This video was my first watch, and I quickly became obsessed with their entire channel.
Before you go, don’t miss last Monday’s P.S. edition of Sincerely, Celisia! In these monthly bonus issues, I share a roundup of my recent faves, and this month, I’m sharing all about the *dream* office setup I’ve been enjoying this fall. Check it out here!
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