Conflict As A Love Language (Issue #69)
How the fear of disagreement can hold us back.
Hi friends!
Disclaimer: You are reading the newsletter of a former debate kid. What started in high school, spending most of my Saturdays arguing with other teens across the state, has since ballooned into more than 15 years of dedication to this incredible community. I’ve coached at my former high school, ran an accessible and affordable debate camp with my now-husband Andrew, and judged more tournaments than I can count. I am and always will be a debate kid at heart, although what that actually means might not be what you expect.
When folks find out I’m a “debater,” I often feel their perceptions shift. It’s almost as if my experiences in the activity are proof that any argument with me is a losing game. That I’m going to force my way into a “win.” My friends and I have always bonded over these experiences. Every debater I know has at least one example of their parents shutting down in the middle of a disagreement. Turns out, “don’t pull your debate tricks on me,” is a great conversation killer. But it does beg the question, what tricks are debaters actually pulling?
Debate has shaped how I interact with the world. The work I do, the conversations I have, and how I make sense of new information – I owe so much of it to debate. But that isn’t because the activity equipped me with some legion of rhetorical tricks designed to make people look stupid. It’s because debate helped me embrace the radical notion that conflict can be safe.
Over my years as a high schooler and later a coach, I have sparred with peers, students, and authority figures alike about hundreds of topics. In debate, “being right” isn’t really the goal. At tournaments, we needed to come prepared to argue both sides of the same topic – one round, we’d argue in favor of an issue, and the next, we’d argue against it. We discussed everything from universal health care to civil disobedience, and thought deeply and critically about morality, justice, and policy. And through all of this, disagreement wasn’t just tolerated – it was required.
I’ve lived most of my life in Minnesota, where “niceness” is often valued above authenticity. A place with a hardwired instinct to “keep the peace”. But this tendency, I think, is not limited to the Midwest. For many of us, conflict evokes fear. Whether it’s something trivial like asking a roommate to wash their dishes or something with higher stakes like challenging differing political views, the fear of offending often trumps our desire to learn and bridge our differences. And if conflict is inherently scary, “bad,” or impolite, then it must be avoided at all costs.
It’s a tough spot for someone like me, who sees disagreement and discussion as a love language.
And that isn’t to say that I always enjoy the process of conflict. You know that stressful feeling you get in your gut during a heated discussion? Debate never did manage to cure me of that. Instead, it taught me that this discomfort was survivable and instilled a confidence that relationships worth keeping were strong enough to withstand the stress of disagreement.
But it’s not just that our relationships can survive disagreement — I firmly believe that they thrive with it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of the closest people in my life (including my husband lol) are also former debate kids. In these relationships, I’ve seen the full extent of how disagreement can help us get to the good stuff. Because beneath the layers of snap judgments, assumptions, misinformation, and defensiveness, there’s a lot to be gained. Of course, there’s the fact that we can't expect to change our minds or continue growing and developing if we’re unwilling to be challenged. But also, importantly, these sorts of exchanges are not only valuable when they lead to a change in opinion.
When I have to explain or defend my ideas, it equips me with the tools needed to adapt or recommit. Sometimes, I’m left with questions worth researching. Other times I’m left with a deeper understanding of why I believe the things I do.
I never liked the “debate tricks” commentary because it inherently assumes that I enter every conversation adversarially.
But in my experience, disagreement pairs well with curiosity, interest, engagement, and even love. To trust and care about someone enough to push through to something more profound — it’s one of the most loving things we can do for each other.
There are winners and losers in debate, but in real life, healthy disagreement is mutually beneficial. It’s how we learn and develop our ability to think critically. Through conflict, we can identify patterns, deepen our understanding of one another, and widen our own inherently limited perspectives.
So maybe it’s worth taking it all as a challenge. An opportunity to exercise curiosity with the folks you love and trust. An invitation to push past discomfort to dive deeper. You might be surprised where you end up.
A round-up of things to watch, read, and listen to as you head into the weekend.
I know how frustrating paywalls are! When possible, I’ll try to offer gift links through my subscriptions to support access to high-quality journalism.
The New York Times: How The Epoch Times Created a Giant Influence Machine (gift link) by Kevin Roose
Billboards advertising The Epoch Times have been popping up all around Minneapolis, so naturally, I had to do some research into this self-proclaimed #1 news source. What I found is a nearly decade-long history of right-wing propaganda dedicated to spreading anti-China and pro-Trump misinformation across the internet. This article is an excellent look into this powerful media empire.
Racket: Epoch Times Billboards in MN: The Truth Behind the ‘#1 Trusted News’ Org by Sean Ericson
This is another great article examining the rise of The Epoch Times and the truth behind the billboards popping up across Minnesota, Michigan, Colorado, Oregon, Tennessee, Ohio, and Wisconsin!
Podcast: Imperfect Paradise- The People vs Karen
This 4-part series investigates a viral video in which a white mom-fluencer accuses a Latino couple of attempted kidnapping. The story highlights the dangers of the online wellness-to- QAnon pipeline, and the real implications of false accusations on the internet.
Things to try + share in the group chat.
Note: Links preceded by an asterisk (*) are affiliate links that allow me to collect a small commission when you purchase something I’ve recommended. That said, I can promise I’ll only ever share items I love. Buying through these links is one way to support me and my small biz. ❤️
Using your pet as a theme of your nursery is soooo cute! Check out this reel to see how one family executed this idea.
Last spring I was looking for a good Father’s Day gift for Andrew’s Dad and came across *this bluetooth showerhead speaker. Many of the reviews say it has shockingly good sound quality, and I like that it looks pretty much like a normal showerhead!
A few weeks ago, I read
’ brilliant essay The Mainstreaming of Loserdom, and left a comment that quickly became one of the most popular things I’ve ever shared on Substack.
Last week, I dove even deeper into my thoughts on the anti-work cultural shift we’ve seen in recent years. Check it out here.
Have a great weekend!
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