Bullying a Kid for Having Gay Parents (Issue #57)
This week’s theme is change – reconciling the world we knew with the progress we’ve achieved.
Hi friends!
I’ve always been “the kid with gay parents.” And in my earliest memories, that didn’t necessarily seem that significant. It was just my reality – the only one I’d ever known! I was raised in a rich and vibrant LGBTQ community, where being gay was normal. Just how some folks were born 🤷🏽♀️. It didn’t feel more remarkable than that. That is, of course, until the world (quickly) taught me otherwise. In many ways, my understanding of homophobia developed similarly to my understanding of racism: a fleeting few years of blissful ignorance (maybe 4 or 5?) and then an experience (or set of experiences, really) that forced me to understand all the ways I was different.
I remember the fog of political anxiety that always seemed to hover over my family. I was 8 years old when George W. Bush, in the middle of his campaign for re-election, backed a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage entirely. And while I knew very little about elections or politics in any real way, I did understand that Bush was a real danger for families like mine. So, when a kid in my fourth-grade class came to school raving about him, I argued with him. Didn’t he understand? Bush was against my family, and that’s all I knew or really cared about.
When Bush was re-elected that fall, and the same obnoxious kid came into class the next day, gloating and shoving a newspaper in my face – the front page announcing what felt like a personal attack on the people I loved most — I was crushed.
Throughout elementary school, I learned quickly that lying about my mom and her partner was safest. My mom told me I could say her partner was actually her sister, so I would. While in retrospect that might seem sad (and it was), it felt like an easy way to garner a sense of security. More simply though, I was a kid and wanted to make friends without fear of what they’d think.
Up until I was about eight or nine years old, I didn’t tell people I had gay parents, and for the most part, they didn’t know unless they were close to my whole family.
And then one day in the fourth grade, I was hanging out with two girls I was especially close with at the time. At some point during our hangout, we ventured deep into one of those magical and powerful moments where it felt like no one existed but the three of us. Drunk on the bonding powers of girlhood, they shared some of their secrets, and I finally felt safe enough to share one of mine. So, I came clean. I told them my mom was gay. The lady I had been calling her sister had been her partner all along. And what’s perhaps most remarkable to me now is that their reactions weren’t that notable. They were neutral, and I felt good about it! I felt closer to them and excited to finally have the opportunity to be more holistically myself.
The next day, one of the girls had shifted completely. She’d gone home and told her parents my secret. Her mom had flipped out. My friend had turned on me overnight, and her mom shared that she no longer felt comfortable with the two of us hanging out. I remember the girl having a party, going around and inviting everyone except for me. On the playground, she’d screamed at me, “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Telling me, assuredly, that my parents were going to hell. Then she took her campaign to the classroom, telling everyone at school my secret. I was sad and confused. All of it just reinforced the pre-existing fears I’d already had about telling people. I’d tried it, and it blew up in my face.
By middle school, I’d developed a knack for keeping my family life as separate from my school life as possible, and it stayed that way until the 7th grade. I started at a new school and quickly found my place among a solid group of friends. When they all came over for my family's housewarming party, one of them clocked pretty quickly that my parents were gay. Turns out, preteens are much better at detecting the obvious. When one of them asked me about it directly, I took a deep breath and told the truth. “Oh okay, cool!” was basically their response. There was no beef. The energy was entirely different. It was my first time feeling fully accepted in any space that wasn’t explicitly for LGBTQ people and their families. I was so relieved, and it felt liberating to have the opportunity to be truthful and fully myself. It allowed me to process my experiences with my peers in ways other kids I knew had always been able to.
Fast forward to now, and I live in a city and time that is much less hostile toward LGBTQ people and their families. Not to say there isn’t work to be done, but when I work with kids who are able to openly explore their sexuality and gender identity at much earlier ages, I can’t help but think of the little Celisia who felt forced to lie about the truth of where she came from and the people she loved. It’s been quite the ride, but this month and every month, I’m grateful for the progress we’ve made and the folks doing the work to create a future that is brighter and better for all of us.
So, in honor of that progress, welcome to the second issue of my Pride Month series! Today’s theme is change. Hope you enjoy!
A round-up of things to watch, read, and listen to as you head into the weekend.
I know how frustrating paywalls are! When possible, I’ll try to offer gift links through my subscriptions to support access to high-quality journalism.
The New York Times: They Put the Heart in ‘Heartstopper’ (gift link) by Erik Piepenburg
If you haven’t seen Heartstopper, go! now! It’s such a sweet high school love story and great representation of gay youth that I wish I’d seen in media growing up. And if you’ve already seen the show, make sure to read this profile of its two lead actors. In it, Kit Connor and Joe Locke share lots of great stories, discussing the impact of their roles and how their lives have changed since the show’s release. Check it out!
Podcast: 36 questions
My mom loved this podcast, and I wanted to make sure to forward her recommendation to you! Here's the description: “In a last-ditch attempt to salvage their crumbling marriage, a couple uses the 36 questions—an experiment known for making strangers fall in love—to save their own relationship. Starring Tony-nominated actor Jonathan Groff and Jessie Shelton, ‘36 Questions’ is the world’s first podcast musical—made for your ears only." In college, I was obsessed with the 36 Questions and made all my friends talk through them with me, so I love the premise of this podcast and can't wait to listen!
Substack: Chosen Family from
byThis is a touching piece about how a family can look.
fully explores the idea of chosen family through the relationships in her own life, and it’s a great reflection on the life we can build with the ones we love (even, and sometimes especially, if we’re not biologically related to them).
Playlists to add to your music library.
In the spirit of change, today’s mixtape is all song covers!!
Note: Links preceded by an asterisk (*) are affiliate links that allow me to collect a small commission when you purchase something I’ve recommended. That said, I can promise I’ll only ever share items I love. Buying through these links is one way to support me and my small biz. ❤️
Things to try + share in the group chat.
Andrew teaches 5th grade and hangs out with 10-year-olds daily, but this video was the closest I’ve come to being in his shoes. I love these girls' energy, and I even learned some new-to-me words 😂.
I’ve been informed that the trench coat is making a big comeback among gen-z, and I have my eyes on this waist-length version. A fun twist on a classic!
I’m not usually itching to return to the time of COVID-19 lockdowns, but *Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel just might be one exception I’m willing to make. The book takes place in a Lower East Side tenement building during early lockdown, and each character is anonymously written by a different author. The list of writers is really impressive and includes the likes of Celeste Ng, Tommy Orange, John Grisham, Meg Wolitzer, and even R.L. Stine!
This week, I’m sharing more about my journey to buying a house and taking a deep-dive detour into why the housing market is such a mess. Check it out here!
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